[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The sacred texts.
