*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
#Thanos #MondayMood
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?