*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does