*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Mornin. * use accordingly
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy