Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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“All you need is love.”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”
In what world is that not totally awesome.
“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.