*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

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Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.


If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife


idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school


It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.


“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”


[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]


A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”

In what world is that not totally awesome.


“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.


My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.