Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
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[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*
“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
A very short story 😂😩
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
If you keep a pen in your mouth when you’re on your computer no one asks if you’re busy.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.