@aimlessamers
@HatfieldAnne
Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.
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@HatfieldAnne
@dance_blessed
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
@kuusela34
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
@PaperWash
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
@Heart_choo
It takes a car 30 years to become vintage. It takes a phone 30 days.
@PrettyInCamo11
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
@3nymph
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
@InstaTrent
A vegan girl told me that, “If you eat beef, you’re basically a velociraptor.”
In what world is that not totally awesome.
@trevso_electric
“Never Have I Ever” is a party game and fun way to find out who shouldn’t be donating blood.
@Overdue_Bills
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.