Feel. He’s so soft.
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My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital