Feel. He’s so soft.
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[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside