Feel. He’s so soft.
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“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
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“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?