Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through

Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead

What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”

Job interviewer: Three references is fine.

Me: *opening can of worms

Husband: Where the hell did that come from?

Me: I can’t resist a sale.

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.