feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
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me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?