feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
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my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
the last thing a carrot sees
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Just ordered me some pizza!
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Hamburger Hinderer.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.