Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
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That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.