Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?

5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.

Apparently she learned bribery.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder

Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.

With all the fake information out there I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Please be aware that while my posts are largely based on true events, some have had squirrels added for dramatic purposes.

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”