Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?

Me: One bed is good

Greg (my coworker): What?

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

With a text.

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?

me: he’s my life coach

her: you wanna go to olive garden?

*duck whispers in my ear*

me: that’s a yes

Print is alive and well!!!

I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.

But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on