Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
You Might Also Like
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”