feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
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Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Double negatives are never not confusing.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*