Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
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*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*