Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
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Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.