Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.

Him: Why’d you shave it off?

Me: I just told you…

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

😸

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.

So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.

Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.

[toddler birthday party]

Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?

Wife: mine’s-

Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?

Wife: -432 months.

My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.

A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.

#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.