Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
You Might Also Like
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
honestly, i need both:
Every BBC series about the universe.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
How about daylight saves us for once
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.