Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died

me: yeah ok

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.