Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

When did white people become such fucking pussies?

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?