Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school