Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.