Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”

“Uhhh….why?”

“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”

“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

son: school just got canceled

me: oh shit what did it do

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

He has no idea 🤡

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

You: Say something good about 2020

Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.