Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can I use a minion as a tampon

[first date]

her: i love mysterious guys

him: good

me: [in the bushes] good

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no

*first date*

Her: So what animal would you be?

Me: Oh a cat for sure!

Her: Aw cute!

(Later that night)

Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*

Her: …Ok considerably less cute.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”