Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

the short answer to this question

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

edward fingerhands

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

It’s an epidemic…

I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Always leave the cult better than you found it.