Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
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Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…