Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

when there are deer in the woods

Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.