Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
You Might Also Like
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
We’ve all been there
Stop
