feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Flowers bee like
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
thinking about a very short hotdog