Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Are you a cat person or a person person?

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.