feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.