Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?