Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
yes yes a thousand times yes!
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.