Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.