Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.

*pulls up pants

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know