Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
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when you don’t want to be too vague
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
The opposite of goth is stopth.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.