Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
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My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.