Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?

[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.

How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?