Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
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Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”