Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.
How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?
I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020