Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I beg you to euthanise me
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
