Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
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Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating