Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao

you gotta be faster

Mehh

~Goat, sighing..

in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…

“Five beers, please.”

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

i got 100% on my daughters assignment.

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?