Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Somebody’s lying.

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]

“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”

[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

cop: know why I pulled you over?

fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.