Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

excuse me

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster

hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.

airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover

[Spelling bee]

Your word is Monogamous.

M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S

*2 Judges stare at each other*

1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating