Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.