Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.