feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
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Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.