feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
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My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.