Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
just gave your address to some spiders
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking