Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Same post same
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
🗽
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
…..pretty much.
Hoping to spice up my evening
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.