Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
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Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?