Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Only three things are preventing me from becoming an Olympic gymnast: balance , strength, and getting out of this beanbag chair.

*destroys head of lettuce*

*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone

Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.