Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes

Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode

Me: What?

Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?

Me: Why are you being like this?

Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

Them: Describe your personality using one word.

Me: no

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

Seems legit

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”