Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I have no passwords left in me
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Buying a well is money well spent.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please