Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I am never leaving this website
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.