Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
*Inspirational Tweets*
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You deplete me
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
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Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.