Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.