Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.

I’m awake but I object,

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.