Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

[First Date]

Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

time machine? you mean a clock?

A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

wtf is a larm clock?

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

“Can I help you?”

“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.