Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
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The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down