Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.

People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

No regrets in 2018

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?

the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots