feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]