feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
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Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?