Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you

ALEXA: he’s right kids relax

Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.

I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey

I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?

Me:

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?

My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix