Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

Cool shirt 🙂

How to cow tip:

First, sneak up behind the cow.

Next, get into a wide stance.

Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.

Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes

Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

sigh

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam