Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.

My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*

why isn’t this lamp working

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.