Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
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*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.