Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

Webb. James Webb.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored

[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you