feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!