Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
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My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Thursday
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*power walks to the refrigerator*