Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
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Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.