Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

new year update: losing everything but weight

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?