Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.