Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…