Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
new career option?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
pls suprot
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy