Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
water it, i dare you
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
😲 WTF? 😆
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids