Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
