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Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING