Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

oh shit

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.