Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full.

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday

REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?

ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.

when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today

Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.